Happy Mother’s Day !!

“kya bolti hai budhiya?” asked Sarma

“Arre Sarmaji, Budhiya ne to mera jeena haraam kar diya hai. Uska Javascript error fix karo, uska defect fix karo, usko query likh ke do and that CAB meeting! She always asks me to represent her CAB meetings!! Pareshaan kar diya hai mujhe. Doctor’s appointment, dentist’s appointment, picking up her grandchildren from school, her pet’s treatment, what not? Why the hell these non-technical people are put into the technical projects?” I snorted

“If you want you can block her in the messenger” Sarma suggested

“No Sarmaji, that doesn’t look good” I replied disappointingly

Lori, I don’t remember her last name, was my project mate in the ING project in Atlanta 3 years ago. She was a business analyst who was put into a technical role. Recession was just creeping in and she had to survive her job and she always yearned for my help. She used to work from home from some state. She was 60+ I guess and we TCS guys nicknamed her ‘budhiya’.

That day she pinged me, “Hi Sajid, could you please represent my change in the CAB today?”

CAB meeting was the Change Approval Board meeting wherein you had to explain your changes which you made to the code and wanted to promote them to production. It’s hardly a 15 min meeting. I was fed up of her and I lied to her saying that I had some other work then. She asked me if Santhosh could represent her in the meeting. I checked with Santhosh. He was already outside as usual.

I just told her, “why can’t you attend the meeting yourself Lori?”

She said, “I am going to the airport this afternoon”

“well..” I said and continued, “you can as well go to the airport after your CAB meeting right?”

There was a pause. Then she said, “This is the most important day of my life. I am going to the airport to pick my son. He is returning from Iraq”

“Iraq?”

“Yes! He is in the Army. He was posted there 2 years back and today he is returning back home”

That really hit me like a lightening! I then realized, how could a mother concentrate on work when her son was fighting for life in Iraq? What would she might be going through in those days? Why the hell do these political wars take place risking human lives? Why the hell do these so called civilized societies indulge in the barbaric act of killing innocent lives ?

Then I told Lori, “Lori, please go ahead and receive your son. I would attend your CAB for rest of my life. I swear”!! Sarma overheared my conversation from the next cubicle. From that day we never called her ‘budhiya’ !!

A Sweet Love Story..

“Thank you bro. ye sab tere waja se huwa. But please do call her. She wants to thank you badly”, said my cousin Sam over the phone yesterday. How I wished I was there. This is the drawback of living in the US. But nothing could stop my train of thoughts. The year old flashback filled my eyes while I stood at my patio sipping coffee.

It was exactly a year before when I had visited my hometown Byadgi. I had stopped believing in love then; at least until that weekend. I have a very big family back home. But I am close to two of my cousins. Sam and Shahid. It’s like whenever I go there, they abandon everything and come running to me. Sam is my father’s 3rd brother’s son. He is my age; looks very handsome, a graduate who does business. He is naïve. I treat him like my younger brother. Shahid is again my father’s immediate brother’s son. He is a school dropout and much notorious to say the least; he is five years younger to me. He is like Sarkit if I am Munna.

That Sunday we three went to the top of the hill and were seating on a rock. The wind was thumping across our face and we could see the entire town from there.

“Wish we had got some beer” said Shahid opening the sachet of Manikchand.

“Vo ‘Yes’ boli last month. Since then I have gone mad” Sam prodded me.
I didn’t respond.

“Please help karna, kaise proceed karna bolko” he sounded enthusiastic.

“I don’t want to talk about love, relations, girls etc. I am bugged. Jo dil mein aaye vo kar” I didn’t care.

“Nai ba. Ino dono seriously love mein hain. Shaadi ka bhi plan kar dale” Shahid showed sympathy towards Sam.

I turned to Sam and asked “Are you serious?”

“Yes. We have decided. But I can confirm only when I meet her”

“What the fuck? Are you mad? Why haven’t you met her yet?" I was confused

“hahaha uss ladki ko ye bhi maloom nai ki how Sam looks” Shahid gave some crucial info. I stared at Sam. He then explained to me.

Sam was a simple and shy boy. He had never interacted with any girl before. But sooner he had learnt that those days every ass**le was falling in love, he didn’t want to be left behind. He saw his sister’s classmates’ group photo and started liking a girl. With lots of guts he started messaging her. They fell in love in due course of two to three months. The girl hadn’t seen him. She had said that even if he looked 'Johny Liver' she would still love him. hahaha Sounded funny. The reason they didn’t meet was, they were scared to death. It was quite understandable. They both belonged to two different small towns where people were too orthodox and narrow minded. If her parents saw her roaming with a guy they would judge him. If his parents saw him going around with a girl then they would definitely judge her.

“Phone laga” I said to Sam

“Kisse?”

“Teri ladki ko. Ask her to take a bus and come to the highway bus stop” I said

“Unhe bahut darti. She won’t come”

“Tell her to tell her parents that she has to rush to the college for some certificate problem. Aur usse bol ki, agar vo tujhse pyar karti hai to abhich aaja. You are meeting her now” I said

Sam called her and after couple of minutes cut the call and gave a half hearted smile and said, “You made me tensed now. Ruk ruk. I need to change”

“Pehli date hai to ready hona maangta hai na” Shahid chuckled

We took our bikes and left the hill. Sam got ready in 15 minutes. Shahid was always ready. He doesn’t even change while going to bed. We took our bikes, bought a rose and some chocolates. Highway was nearly 5-6 km from the town.

“15 minute mein reach hoti kathe” Sam shouted sitting behind me.

“Sajid, usse gaadi challaane de. He should look hero in front of her no?” Shahid gave his idea.

“Unhe isse ab tak nai dekhi. How can she figure out?” I explained. Then I got an idea in my dirty head. I turned to Shahid and asked him to meet her saying he himself was Sam. Sam supported the plan. We wanted to see the fun. Hearing the idea of going and confronting a girl, Shahid pissed in his pants. Hence I agreed to meet her. I took Sam’s phone and slid in my pocket.

I stood at the remote bus stop. Both my cousins hid far behind a vehicle. There were hardly people around. Then I saw a tall, thin burkha clad girl getting down from a bus. I could hardly see her eyes, feet and hands. Sam had told that she was in her early twenties, had completed diploma and was looking for a job. He had also told that he addressed her as ‘honey’.

I went and stood next to her. She took out her phone and dialled Sam’s number. The phone rang in my pocket. I took it out and showed it to her. Since I can impersonate voices it wasn’t difficult for me to mimic Sam.

“Hi Honey. It's me; Sam” I said as romantically as possible. I continued “achchi lag rahi hain aap”. By the way it sounded funny complimenting a woman wearing a burkha.
She raised her head, looked at me for a millisecond, and then put her head down. I saw the flow of tears from her eyes. She started crying. I got scared.

“kya huwa? Something wrong? Did I do anything wrong?” I asked her confusingly

“Nai. Kya bhi nai. Nothing?”

“phir? Why are you crying?”

She was quiet. Then she said “aap finally aaye na. isliye”

Then I realized, those were the tears of joy. But I felt horrible that she had to shed her tears for a waste guy like me. Then I looked at her hands. She was fiddling with them. I glared at them closely. To my surprise they were slightly shivering.

‘Jeez! this girl really loves this Sam’. I felt guilty

“dekho, I am sorry. Really sorry. Ye ek prank tha. Main Sam nahi hoon. Unhe wahan hai..” I ran from there. Thank God that I hadn’t given the rose to her.

Sam came out giggling and asking “kya boli? Kya boli?”

I didn’t laugh. While he was about to move towards her, I said “dekh, she loves you. Please uska dil mat todna. Please don’t leave her. Agar tu usse shaadi nai karega to, I will never help you again” I didn’t know if he understood me then.

He went to her. I stood away with Shahid. After five minutes a bus arrived. It was heading to Haveri city. Sam called on my phone and yelled “come. Tumhe dono bhi bus mein chalo”

I said “no. you people get in first”

They got into the bus. I neared the bus. Sam took the window and she had sat next to him. He was cursing me slyly for not accompanying him in the bus. Finally when the bus moved he waved his hand. I signaled him about the rose. He signaled back saying he would give later.

“Don’t forget to hold her hand you idiot” I shouted.

I and Shahid stood there back. He suggested if we should go and have some beer. I refused.

After one hour, I got a call on my cell. It was a girl

“Assalam alaikum bhayya”

“Who’s is this?” I didn’t recognize the voice

“It’s honey” she replied with a smile. I felt she must have smiled. You feel it when someone smiles on phone.

“oh.. how are you? Kahan hain tum dono?”

“Humein yahan coffee shop mein hain”

“Cool. Phir. Aap mujhe maaf kare na? Sorry, It was a prank”

“It’s ok bhayya. Actaully thanks for helping us meet”

“Arre Bhaayee hai mera. Suno. Tum dono baat karo. Isme darne ki kya bhi baat nai.
Phir decide karo. Ye tumahri zindagi hai. Once tumhe confirm karo to shaadi karani ki responsibility meri. Agar tumahre dad kuch panga kare to…”

I wanted to say “Agar tumhare dad panga kare to ek kheencho kaan ke neeche detun”
Instead I said “Agar tumhare dad panga kare to main unke pair pakadko request kartun”

“Bahut bahut Thanks bhayya.” She sounded happy

I smiled at her innocent happiness.

“suno, vo idiot tumna rose diya ya nai abhi tak? “

She gave a pause and said shyly “diye”

After couple of months I touch based with them to know their decision. They said they would love to marry each other; in other words they loved to marry each other. Then I asked each of them to convey to their respective parents.

Like any other bollywood movie the hell broke loose. Till then no one had ever had a ‘love marriage’ in our family. For the next six months there were denials from both the families. The other day Sam called me. He was in tears. He said his girl was depressed. I had almost sensed that he was about to give up. I told him, “You would know the price of first love only when you lose it”
Then I traveled to my hometown again. I, Shahid and Sam’s sister had a secret meeting and we decided that I would convince Sam’s parents, my uncle and aunt and Sam’s sister’s would persuade his GF’s parents.

Meanwhile Shahid tracked and threatened couple of Arranged-Marriage kind of guys who had seen her and agreed to marry her. Her parents wanted to get her married ASAP.

Sam’s father loves me a lot. I went to him and asked ‘Chacha, do you want a daughter in law or do you want your son? The choice is yours”

He melted finally. Sam’s sister cajoled the girl’s parents. It took almost few months.

And yesterday was Sam’s engagement with his honey. The wedding would be after few months I guess.

I really have no idea why I helped my cousin. I don’t know.

The best experience in the world is to fall in love and the most painful experience is to separate from one’s love. My cousin had experienced the best thing and I didn’t want my lovely bro to experience the painful part then. May be my happiness lied in making him happy. May be the pain which kills you every moment, I thought my cousin and his innocent girl didn’t deserve. I don’t know.

But today I am the most happiest person in the world. Today was the only day when I forgot my own pain.

This is about the sweet love story of my cousin. I call it sweet because there’s ‘honey’ involved :-)

By the way, Shahid too called me and said, “how about some beer?” hahaha. I love this Bastard!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Khatar Naak – What’s in a Nose?

Since this blog is on ‘nose’, it may well sound like a kindergarten essay. Well, most of us hardly care about our noses, sometimes we squeeze every inch of it when we catch cold, and some other times when we do this ‘kapaalbhaati’ of Baba Ramdev, we play with our nostrils. And some women try these nose rings. But for me it is much more than that.

I don’t know about other guys but the first thing I notice when I see a woman is her nose. Of course same goes when I happen to see men as well. It’s not surprising at all if you catch me staring at people’s noses. The reason being, I believe, apart from eyes, the one organ which defines one’s beauty is the NOSE.

Everyone craves for that perfect nose. Even though there is nothing called a perfect nose, I feel a perfect nose is the one which is straight, sharp which is called ‘aquiline’. Actually the nose should suit ones face or personality. There are beautiful people across the world who don’t possess a great nose, few examples are Aishwarya Rai, Salman khan, Brad Pitt or Angelina. There are people who I think have very bad noses, like Priyanka Chopra or Sreedevi. There are people who have really long noses, like Saif Ali Khan, Kannada actor Dr. Rajkumar etc.

If we notice people across the world, we see that people who have this aquiline nose are Europeans, Americans, Australians, Arabians, Pakistanis and North Indians. Most of the South Indians typically have shorter and sometimes blunt noses. And Chinese? Do they have a nose first of all? The people whom I mentioned above had a common origin as Proto-Indo-Europeans who lived sometime in 6000-7000 B.C. They invaded Europe (then in turn the USA, OZ, NZ), Middle East and North India as Aryans. I think all these people predominantly have a similar nose. I may be wrong as well, but it is just my observation.

One Indian who I think has the best nose is, Chitrangada Singh! Hands down! It’s a piece of art. There are many Indians who have great noses. Few I think are Akshay Kumar, Katrina Kaif, Sonu Sood, this new guy Aditya Roy Kapoor etc. Hrithik Roshan has too sharp a nose but his nostrils are flared a bit. Most of the Hollywood celebrities and sportsmen do have that ‘the nose’ which takes my breath away. I think Shah Rukh Khan doesn’t have a conventional nose, but many (including me) find it very sexy. He once said that girls find him attractive because of his nose. Well, may be. Some of my friends who I feel have very good noses are Sowmya, Chaitra, Sathya, Dr. Amit and so on.

What about me? I don’t know. Mine is bit longer(pun unintended) and few people have told me that it looks sexy. Well, I am sounding pompous here. Whatever it is, I got my nose from my mother and she got it from my grandmother and my granny said she got from her mother. My grandmother said her ancestors must have migrated somewhere from north, but she is not sure. Well, my father’s ancestors are original South Indians.

Unfortunately none of my ex-girl friends had great noses. May be that was the reason why they lost me :-) hahaha. Even my best friend, Bebo doesn’t have a good nose. You just show me a babe with ‘the nose’, however ugly she is; I bet I would fall in love with her instantly.

Last week I met my 4th grade classmate online after 20 years. When she had asked if I remembered her, I had replied, ‘I remember your nose though’. This obsession of mine about noses, this poking my nose in others’ noses may pretty much look unusual, but I can only say ‘I don’t know’. Nose is my weakness. Sounds very funny. I am funny myself.

Now all of you, stop checking out your noses. Ignore my crazy thoughts. Your noses are just alright. :-) Have a blast !!

Infinite Synonyms of 'Death' in Urdu – Experience Certainty!!

Last night I traveled back to my home from Bangalore. In the train, my train of thoughts revolved around the funny people and the funny language of my home town, Byadgi. There, Muslims speak Urdu; it’s actually Dakhani Urdu which is spoken in the southern states of the country (Also called Shivajinagar Hindi in Bangalore, remember Professor Ulfat Sultan? :-)). Its pronunciation and grammar varies slightly from the standard Urdu and it has many words loaned from the regional languages. To my surprise I found that the synonyms (different ways of saying) of ‘He’s dead’ or ‘died’ seemed to be infinite in Urdu in my native. Here goes the list below:

Mar Gaya
Maut Huwi
Jaan Gayi
Saans Gayi
Wafaat Huwi
Inteqaal Huwa
Guzar Gaya
Rooh Qabz Huwa
Jannat Naseeb huwa
Allah Ko Pyara Huwa
Parda Farmaya
Dum Todya
Khallas Huwa
Oopar Gaya
Halaq Huwa
Gaya
Poth Huwa
Out Huwa
Spot Huwa
Death Huwi
Thanda Padhya
Gardan Satya
Uth Gaya
Aankhen Moochya
Hamesha Humna Chhodko Gaya
Mauta Huwa
Aakhri Saans Liya
Gotak Kaya
Dhamaar Huwa
Wicket Gaya
Chhati Phod Liya
Chala Gaya
Rooh Nikal Gayi
Akad Gaya
Duniya Chhodya
Ticket Kadaya
Right Huwa
Soya So Uthyach Nai
Ab Nai Raha
Bachyach Nai
Duniya Chhodya
Alla Ke Paas Gaya
Bejaan Huwa
Kalme Ka Paani Naseeb Huwa
Kalma Padhya
Aunda Huwa
Dola Uthya
Surat Ku Surma Likhe
Munda Mooche
Shaheed huwa
Angothe Bandhe
Kya Bhi Bolyach Nai
So Koch Chhodya
Nas Band Padi
Dhadkan Ruk Gayi
Khatam Huwa
Bachchyan Ko Yateem Karya
Janaze Ki Namaz Padha Liya
Bolyach Nai
Ludak Gaya
Tapak Gaya
Kaam Huwa

And Finally...
Inna Lillahi Wa Ina Ilaihi Rajivoon !

Jesus !! It looks to be never ending !! (There still could be many more which I am not aware of)

Now, while death has so many synonyms, I don’t see many synonyms for ‘Birth’. If a baby is born, I haven’t heard any other usage other than ‘Bachcha Paida Huwa’. As simple as that. It could be true in any other language as well. Is it something to ponder about? Yes.

Well, in our society, ‘death’ is given so much focus or importance while birth is very common phenomenon. I feel the reason being, people fear death, and it runs so much on people’s mind. They get scared about it so much so that majority of the population in the world turns religious when it becomes old. I think there is no point in fearing death at all. No one can escape it. It’s like ‘Experience Certainty’ :-).

I think we should have the heart to face death with dignity and sense of reality and humor. Then only can we relish the beauty and joy of life. Often, people don’t die because of an injury or an ailment; they perish due to the fear of death. Most of the times, I joke about death with my friends and brothers. That’s how I could think about those 60+ synonyms of death. I know, you may complain that I am being so much cozy about death because I have got my 5 million rupees insurance policy active. I guess true, hence I recommend all of you to insure your life at the earliest. Hope your life rules your mind and not your death. LIC's Jeeavan Amulya ki jai!!

By the way when I die, I want people to say, "Vo Zindagi Jee Gaya” :-)

A Tribute to Gandhiji

After seeing the likes of Kalmadi, Raja, Chavan, Yeddy and Reddi brothers, Americans come to know that Indian Politicians are nothing but just slefish, corrupt and heinous b**tards. USA decides that India is too vulnerable a country and hence attacks it and makes its colony.
Just like the British rule in the past, the country witnesses the American rule this time.

In Bangalore, the US administration decides to change or modify the names of few places as per their pronunciation/understanding. The list goes below..

Eajipura - Easy Pura

Domlur - Dumb lur

Jayanagar - Joy Nagar

Laksandra - Luck Sandra(Sandra as in Sandra Bullock)

Jaksandra - Jack Sandra

Bomsandra - Bum Sandra

Bhoopsandra - B**b Sandra ;-)

Marathalli - Marta Halli

Yalahanka - You All Hunk Huh ?

Madiwala - My Diva La

Yashwantpur - Yes Want Pure

Hoody - Howdy

Koramangala - Core Mangla

Shivaji Nagar - She Wow Jee Nagar / Schwarzzenegger

Alsur - All Sore ?

Peenya - Pain ya

Basawanagudi - Bus Van Goody

hosa road - whose ya road

Shikari palya - Shakira Palya :-) lol

But the two areas which the Americans won't touch at all will be... Any guesses?

They will be..."Gandhi Nagar" and "MG Road", Because 'Gandhi' is the only Indian thing that all the Americans know about India(of course another is the Taj)
While the people from the other side of the globe adore and respect the greatest man ever born in India(some may argue it as Rama or Budhdha or Tendulkar) so much, I utterly wonder why can't our beloved politicians follow even 2% of his ideals. Shame !

Anyway, Planning to meet my old(PGS) friends today. Got to catch a bus to Dumblur oops... did I say Domlur? :-)

Hud Hud Dabangg - Utsav 2010 - The Year Ending Blog !

There are two things that pump up my adrenalin. No, it’s neither Sheila ki Jawani nor some spicy Biriyani. They are; a tennis court and a stage. Stage lets my creative juices flow and makes me come up with entertaining scripts and acts. The reason why my skits or acts have become popular in my company is the fact that I can understand the sensibilities of the audience.

This month we celebrated Utsav at our office and I participated in a fashion show and played Dabangg’s Chulbul Pandey which became an instant hit among the audience, thanks to the make up man. I thoroughly enjoyed the act not just because it sort of came out well but also because I am such a big fan of the character Chulbul Pandey (I’m not a Salman fan though). Read my earlier blog on Dabangg. Since it was the first time I was mimicking Salman, I was pretty excited (I can mimic SRK or Amitabh even in my sleep :-))

Apart from entertainment, I love stage coz it allows me to paint my face and change myself into a different character. In that span of time, I am someone else. I’m free from the shackles of my past or the future. I love being someone else(Actually I suffer from Tourette's Syndrome I guess). May be that is the reason, it shows in my performances. Most of the participants were freshers who asked me how come I was still passionate about these things even after so many years in the industry. I said, “I will keep doing these things even if I become a CEO coz the truth is, when I grow old I would end up dying either in a tennis court or on a stage somewhere”

Find the youtube link below which has part of the Mahabharat skit wherein I play Chulbul in the climax.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYzBKFQrCAs

This is my last blog of 2010. Thank you all for all the support, love and feedback for my blogs. Keep writing to me. I only wish to write better stuff the next year. I can only wish you all to start writing your own stuff. There's no better 'high' in the world than writing your heart out except playing a tennis shot or playing Chulbul Pandey :-) lol

Happy New Year 2011. Lot's of love and God Bless. Keep Rocking !!

Hindi Film Awards - 2010

The year 2010 has been quite a different year when it comes to Bollywood. Many biggies fell flat and many new directors hit the jackpot making Udaan, Tere Bin Laden,Dabangg, Do Dooni Char, BBB,I Hate Luv stories and many more. I have come up with my awards in various categories. Leave a comment if you think otherwise or if you think the awards are rigged :-) lol


Best Story : Rajneeti

Best Screenplay: My Name is Khan

Best Dialogues: Dabangg/ Once Upon a Time in Mumbai

Best Action: Robot

Best Special Effects: Robot

Best Background Score: Dabangg

Best Choreography: Farah Khan for Munni Badnaam Huyi

Best Cinematography: Ravan

Best Actor in a supporting Role: Arjun Rampal(Rajneeti)/Nana Patekar(Rajneeti)/Naseeruddin Shah(Ishqiya)

Best Actress in a supporting role: Zarina Wahab(MNIK)

Best Actor in a Comic Role: Paresh Rawal (Atithi Tum Kab Javoge)

Best Actor in a Negative Role: Ronit Roy (Udaan)/Manoj Bajpe(Rajneeti)

Best Singer – Female: Sheila Ki Jawani – Sunidhi Chauhan

Best Singer – Male : Dil to Bacha Hai Jee – Rahet Fateh Ali

Best Lyrics : Dil to Bachcha Hai Jee - Gulzar

Best Newcomer - Male: Ranveer Singh (Band Baaja Baraat)

Best Newcomer - Female: Sonakshi Sinha(Dabangg)

Best Music
Nominations: My Name is Khan
Dabangg
Ishqiya
Tees Maar Khan
Karthik Calling Karthik
Award Goes to: Lalit Pundit, Sajid, Wajid for Dabangg

Best Director
Nominations: Karan Johar(MNIK)
Prakash Jha (Rajneeti)
Abhinav Kashyap (Dabangg)
Sanjay Leela Bhansali (Guzarish)
Vishal Bharadwaj (Ishqiya)
Award goes to: Prakash Jha

Best Film
Nominations: MNIK
Rajneeti
Guzarish
Ishqiya
Udaan
Award Goes to: MNIK(My Name is Khan)


Best Actress
Nominations: Kajol(MNIK)
Kajol(We Are Family)
Vidya Balan(Ishqiya)
Katrina Kaif(Rajneeti)
Aishwarya(Guzaarish)
Award Goes to: Kajol(MNIK)


Best Actor
Nominations: Shah Rukh Khan(MNIK)
Ranbir Kapoor(Rajneeti)
Ajay Devgan(OnceUpon a Time in Mumbai)
Salman Khan(Dabangg)
Hrithik Roshan(Guzaarish)
Award Goes to: Shah Rukh Khan(MNIK)/ Salman Khan(Dabangg)
(Filmfare may share the award between the two)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------